Where is God in my Anxiety?

It’s August 2017, the reality is that I want to write this blog post, I want to write about God and my anxiety, but honestly…this will have to wait until a day that I can look back through clearer eyes. Little do I know, it’s about to get a whole lot worse, lonely, and deadly…

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It’s now 2019, and looking back, I’m not quite sure how I survived 2017, and I’m not quite sure how I’ve managed to get through what I have and how I’ve managed to cope with my mind.

At this point going in I’d like to state, from first-hand experience, that having any sort of mental struggle, is not an indication of you failing to trust God and have faith in Him, however, I do think how you respond to it in light of God and His sovereignty is key.

Anyone who has any form of anxiety will tell you that one of the hardest things about anxiety is knowing when to trust your thoughts and when not to. At what point do you realise and accept that someone feels a certain way towards you and at what point do you draw the line with your mind and say: “You’re overthinking this…” This, ironically, often leads to more overthinking which creates anxiety. Throughout 2017, I doubted many, many things. I doubted myself, my ability to lead, and my ability to last in the ministry. I lost my confidence, and my eagerness for life and challenges. Where, once, challenges were fun, exciting and an opportunity for growth, they were now something I feared, and hated, and I couldn’t handle worrying about what challenge was next. I struggled to understand God’s sovereignty, I struggled to grasp the fact that God loved me. My mind was telling me that everyone had a problem with me, and therefore so did God…

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It’s now February 2020 and I think God stopped me where I was in writing this because there was a new wave of paranoia and anxiety on it’s way – with good reason. You see, as I look through all of this, I see that my anxiety isn’t going anywhere, and I see that God isn’t taking my anxiety away. I have to accept that no matter what, I will always have an anxious mind. A mind that overplays everything. A mind that will always jump to worst-case scenario, no matter what anyone tells me. There are days where my anxious thoughts cripple me, and leave me almost unable to leave my bed. My bed feels like the safest place for me. Every other place is a place that can hurt me or make feel “less-than”. Just today I lay in bed until stupid o’ clock watching a mindless (seriously) show on Netflix. Why? Because I’m lazy? Because I lack drive? No…because I lack the ability to be able to see how things can get any better.

So, I come back to the question that I posed for you all and myself back in August 2017…where is God in my Anxiety? The Sunday School/Christian answer is that He is right beside you, with you every step of the way. And this view is correct, as that is what His Word tells us. His Word tells us in so many places that God is with us. Jesus promised us this: He promised that He would leave His Spirit for us, to be with us. He Promised to never leave, nor forsake us. He also gave us His Word to discover these truths for ourselves. It is here that we can hear/read things like John 16:33 where Jesus says: “In this life you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world.”

The ‘human’, emotional answer to this question? Well that answer is that God has left you, and that you are in this on your own. Why? Well, because that’s what your heart and mind tell you, that you are in this on your own and it feels like God has indeed left.

My challenge to you christian, is to ask yourself this: What do you believe? Do you believe what your fragile heart and mind are telling you? Or do you believe what God Promises in and through His Word?

I know it’s hard. Its dark and scary, and there are times I want to pull my hair out (literally). I have prayed (on many occasions) that God would take my life. Many times in the car where I’ve just hoped that something would happen where God would call me home. So, I fully understand how hard it is, and I know exactly where your mind takes you when anxiety strikes, but we have to hold on to this truth: God, our Father and Creator, has promised to be with us always. He has promised to walk this road with us, and He LOVES us, His creation, His children, and He will be with us always. I also mentioned earlier that it comes down to trusting God’s sovereignty, why? Anxiety, for the most part, is fear of what the future (near and distant) holds for us, and this fear grows as our overthinking does. Trusting God’s sovereignty is trusting that no matter what, God has you and your future in hand. It’s trusting that He is above all things, including your future, and you are His child, who He loves and has promised to be with. 

Never be afraid to talk about this. Never be afraid to share how you are feeling, and never let anyone tell you that your struggle is caused by lack of faith. Hold onto God and His truth, and trust His sovereignty. 

I know my journey with anxiety is far from over, but so is the battle. I know God is with me in and through it all, and I know He will never leave me.

Please let me know your thoughts in the comments. Also, feel free to share your story. 

Until Next time, God bless.